It’s August, and that means it’s the worst month of the year. It’s hot. It’s long. It’s on the ‘towards the end of summer’ side of the summer-break time continuum and not ‘in the middle of summer’ or ‘at the beginning of summer’. There are no federal holidays. February can also fuck right the fuck off, but August is the worst. Baseball is boring af and has the least amount of drama. With so many games, literally anything could happen, but it happens so slowly it’s like if you had to watch a time-lapse video of a plant growing in real time. The NFL is in the preseason and the only news is who got hurt or who is protesting. The NBA, of course, is in its dead season.
I wrote this as part of a contest for new writers for non-fiction. I didn’t get selected, so I’m publishing here now so you can all agree I got shafted.
Congratulations everyone. You did it. All the quote tweets, all the official statements, the press releases, they were all worth it. It’s now a proven fact: LeBron James > Donald Trump.
*Old man voice* Back in my day, when you turned 14 you were able to apply for your driving permit. This let you drive with a licensed driver present in the car. In order to get this permit, you had to pass a multiple choice test. You could miss up to 7 questions and still be allowed to get your permit.
“Would you be up for a game of soccer tonight?”
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you combined American Idol with the Olympics, and then also added in a voting system that was as asinine as the Electoral College? Welcome to Eurovision, Europe’s singing contest that doesn’t actually include all of Europe and also includes countries outside of Europe.
You may have heard that there were some elections this week – primaries in several ‘key’ races across the country. The results of these elections are being interpreted and analyzed to see if they can portend doom for the Democrats in November, or if they mean nothing and the Democrats still have the same advantage we thought they had before.